Last September I returned to my martial arts training.
In November, I stopped.
I returned to the same instructor I trained with before. He was not the reason I stopped the first time so it seemed the logical choice.
After about a month into my return he offered an Instructor Assistant course that could lead to further opportunities if the student chose.
My main concern…ah…FEAR was that I did not have the voice to teach anyone…much less children. I am an extreme introvert. At the time, my day job as an accounting assistant fit my introvert comfort zone to a tee!
The main student base at the dojo is children. I do not have any children of my own. To be clear, a dislike of them has never ever been a reason. I would be blessed to have children of my own.
As assured by my instructor that issue was addressed. It was brief, but I could feel myself being able to open up more. I began to have more involvement in assisting with the children. It is the greatest feeling to see a child’s face light up when they are given a positive word of encouragement – and it works!
Teaching martial arts in this dojo involves more than just going through the physical motions. Life decisions and issues and how to show the children how to handle these is also a big part.
Then, as the course went on, it was communicated what was expected of us on the ‘business’ end.
As he simply put – we were expected to bring in x amount of new students compared to his x amount….
This made me uncomfortable. A feeling of sneakiness and underhandedness crept into me…
I have not been able to come up with a logical reason why I felt this way at the time – and still cannot. I still feel this way.
Why would I have a problem with bringing new students in?
I am not a salesperson, and I do not have any ambitions to ever be one. I think you have to be if you are expected to meet a quota.
I do believe in backing up what you like…what you believe in…what you think is right.
It seems that the best thing to do would have been to express to my shihan my concerns.
Why didn’t I?
My failure to reach out does not mean I am defeated.
This failure on my part has opened up an awareness that makes me want to move forward.
I am still alive. I still have much to contribute which makes me strive to find my place.
It has opened my mind to options in my life that I never noticed before.
I have began realize that am capable of more than what I think I am.
Failure has a place in growth which is making me face it, turn it around when I can, and know that it is not the end.