Who else is tired of waiting for the next series of Sherlock?
I am. But, I know there is the Christmas Special coming out…this year?
Anyhow, I’ve exhausted watching series 1, 2 and 3 for now. With so few…
Seinfeld episodes though…so many… Also, they rerun like…well…crazy…
So, here is another Sherlock crossover…this time with Seinfeld!
Opening scene – Watson at a meeting for the Mary Morstan Foundation.
WATSON: You want me to find a poem about Mary? May she rest in peace?!
LESTRADE: Well, we think it would be a nice touch for the Morstan Foundation literature. Do you have a favorite poet, John?
WATSON: I like, um…<mutters something unintelligible under his breath.>
WATSON: <mutters it again>
LESTRADE: Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Mary best at the time of her unfortunate <clears his throat>…accident.
<John looks at Lestrade suspiciously.>
Scene 2 – John and Sherlock at Speedy’s Cafe later that day.
SHERLOCK: You say, Lestrade cleared his throat?
WATSON: He did it right as he said “her unfortunate accident.”
SHERLOCK: Not following…That fly on that wall over there….seems to be….
WATSON: Sherlock! As you well know, a throat-clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt – he thinks I killed Mary!
SHERLOCK: Oh, come on Irene!
WATSON: What time is it?
SHERLOCK (looks at his watch): 1:11. I must go.
WATSON: Right now?
SHERLOCK: I must leave to meet Janine.
WATSON: Oh, the office girl. How is that going?
SHERLOCK: Adequate. I’m not intrigued by her though. For once I’d like to be intrigued.
WATSON: Where’s Molly?
SHERLOCK: She’s having Anthea, Lady Smallwood and Mrs. Hudson over.
WATSON: Why DO people have children?
SHERLOCK: Perpetuation of the species.
SHERLOCK: By the way John, only for the record –
WATSON: No, I did not! <They exit the Speedy’s Cafe.>
Scene 3 – Molly at her flat with Anthea, Lady Smallwood and Mrs. Hudson.
ANTHEA: …but because it comes out of your baby, the aroma is delightful!
MOLLY: Well, that’s…that’s sweet.
LADY SMALLWOOD: Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful.
ANTHEA: Molly, you have got to have a baby!
MOLLY: Oh, hey, you know…I had a piece of whitefish over at a fish shop just off Marlament road the other day…
MRS. HUDSON: Molly. Move to Dorset and have a baby already.
MOLLY: I really like London.
ANTHEA: London’s a toilet. When’s the last time you saw my little Alan?
MOLLY: Uh, it was in the Hamptons.
ANTHEA: Oh! I have pictures!
MOLLY: No, no, that’s okay, it’s…
ANTHEA (shows Molly and the ladies pictures of Alan): Look at him! Just look at him!
<Molly is revolted by the sight of “breathtaking” little Alan.>
Scene 4 – Sherlock and John walking down the street after leaving Speedy’s Cafe.
SHERLOCK: So, Molly was telling me about this piece of whitefish she had the other day…
WATSON: Do you really think I’m wrong about Lestrade?
SHERLOCK: If you really want to test him out, try the old Charles Augustus Magnussen trick.
WATSON: Charles Augustus Magnussen?
SHERLOCK: When Magnussen would leave a meeting, he’d purposefully abandon a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. Then after five minutes, he’d come back for it and listen to what everyone said about him.
WATSON: That’s paranoid.
SHERLOCK: Yes, it is.
WATSON: I like it!
SHERLOCK: I thought you might.
Scene 5 – Mycroft in Sherlock and Watson’s flat. Janine enters.
JANINE: Oh, hi! I’m Janine. You must be Mycroft. <Mycroft is smitten with Janine and grins goofily.> Sherlock’s told me a lot about you. <Mycroft continues grinning.> Well, I’m supposed to meet Sherlock, it’s my day off. I work in an office.
MYCROFT (mouths the words): Typing. <Knocks over a bowl of fruit on the counter.>
JANINE: Oh, careful! <Sherlock enters.>
SHERLOCK: Hello, apologies I’m late.
JANINE: That’s alright. Mycroft let me in.
SHERLOCK: You know, if we make a dash for it, we can still make the cinema.
JANINE: Okay. <Touches Mycroft’s hand> It has been very nice meeting you.
<Sherlock and Janine leave. Mycroft sniffs his hand where Janine touched him, and makes a delighted noise.>
Scene 6 – Mycroft and Anderson in Anderson’s flat.
MYCROFT: I’m in trouble my friend. I just met a woman.
ANDERSON: Go on.
MYCROFT: Well, she’s Sherlock’s girlfriend.
ANDERSON: Ah, yes. Forbidden Love.
MYCROFT: She works in an office. Her name is Janine.
ANDERSON: “Janine.” I don’t know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching.
MYCROFT: I can’t even speak in front of her. <Sits down on the sofa.>
ANDERSON: Sherlock! What could she possibly see in Sherlock? <Walks in front of Mycroft and trips over his feet.>
MYCROFT: She has delicate beauty.
ANDERSON: Sherlock wouldn’t know delicate beauty if it bludgeoned him over the head.
MYCROFT: And yet, he’s my brother.
ANDERSON: And therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that there is but one woman meant for each of us. Only for one perfect angel whom we are put on this earth.
MYCROFT: Oh, that’s beautiful, Anderson.
ANDERSON: One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary, mundane workaday lives! And you, my friend, have found your angel. I can tell. For my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty – whom I fear I will never possess.
MYCROFT: I thought we were talking about me.
ANDERSON: Right. Mycroft, you have to confront Sherlock.
MYCROFT: Confront Sherlock? I can’t.
ANDERSON: You must!
MYCROFT: I won’t!
ANDERSON: You will!
Scene 7 – Sherlock, Molly and John at a newsstand.
MOLLY (to Sherlock, imitating Anthea): “Molly, you absolutely have got to have a baby.” Ugh.
WATSON: Where are all the poetry publications?
MOLLY: The London Times has poetry.
WATSON: Yes. The London Times.
SHERLOCK: Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much?
MOLLY: They’re my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.
SHERLOCK: Come now. You want to have a baby.
MOLLY: Why? Because I can?
SHERLOCK: It is THE life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. The mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk. Molly, do you think you’re any better?
MOLLY: Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk!
TOM: I couldn’t help overhearing what you were saying.
MOLLY: Oh, I’m sorry.
TOM: No, no, I think I agree with you. I must say, all this talk about having babies.
MOLLY: Yes, like you must procreate.
TOM: Besides, anyone can do it.
MOLLY: Oh, it’s been done to death. <smiles>
Scene 8 – John in another meeting at the Foundation. He has a briefcase with a tape recorder in it.
WATSON: I, um, should have a poem very soon now.
LESTRADE: Are you okay, John?
WATSON: No, no, not really. Ever since Mary passed on, I have good days and bad. <Turns the briefcase towards the woman on his left.> Some days, I’m quite haunted by one word – why. Why Mary? Why wasn’t it me licking those Thank You note envelopes? Why am I still here? Well, I have to run. <Gets up and leaves the meeting.>
<John is shown standing on the street while the tape rolls inside the briefcase.>
Cut back to the Foundation meeting.
LESTRADE: …and the stock options for this year look quite, uh… <John returns and retrieves the briefcase.>
WATSON (apologetic): Briefcase. <Shrugs and exits.>
Scene 9 – Molly and Tom at Speedy’s Cafe.
MOLLY: So, Tom. If I don’t want children, does that make me a bad humanitarian?
TOM: Not at all.
MOLLY: ‘Cause, I mean, when you get to know me, you’ll see that I’m a pretty good humanitarian. <Waitress comes to the table and pours more coffee.> YOU are doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks a lot. <To Tom> Right? Am I right? <Mycroft walks by.> Mycroft. Mycroft! Come here, get a look at my new friend Tom. <Mycroft and Tom shake hands.> Oh, you got a little, uh…
MYCROFT (wipes powdered sugar off his face): Oh, I just had two double-powdered doughnuts.
MOLLY: Oh. Are you alright?
MYCROFT: Yeah, I’ll be okay.
MOLLY: You know, Sherlock has one of those every time he bombs a case.
MYCROFT: Well, I’m sure he’ll be sharing his next one with Janine.
MOLLY: Oh, no…that won’t last.
MYCROFT: What do you mean?
MOLLY: He’s not ‘intrigued’.
<Mycroft suddenly looks elated and runs out.>
Scene 10 – John shows up at his and Sherlock’s flat later that night with the briefcase.
WATSON: Lemme’ tell you something, that Augustus Magnussen? You wonder how some of these people get to the top? Ideas like this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! <Notices that the briefcase is damaged.> Look at this – what the fuck happened? The whole side is damaged here…and the lock is broken.
SHERLOCK: How long did you leave it up there?
WATSON: Five minutes. What the fuck happened here?
SHERLOCK: Play the tape.
WATSON: I have to rewind it first. <John presses the rewind button on the tape recorder. He and Sherlock stand there, waiting impatiently as it rewinds.> Alright, alright.
<John plays back the tape. We hear a voice ask, “Did anyone notice John’s fingernails?” Then a female voice answering, “Oh my, yes. They looked like they were eaten away by weevils.” The male voice remarks, “It’s warm in here. Open a window.” Then, “Hey! What are you doing?” The female voice exclaims, “Dear God.” There’s a clunking sound on the tape, and the recording ends.>
SHERLOCK: Is that all of it?
WATSON: Stopped dead.
SHERLOCK: What do you make of it?
WATSON: I don’t know. <John sits down at the table. Mycroft enters.>
MYCROFT: Sherlock. May, we talk?
WATSON (to Mycroft): Kind of busy here.
MYCROFT: I’d like to talk to Sherlock in private.
WATSON: Why can’t I stay?
MYCROFT: Because it doesn’t concern you.
WATSON: Well, if it doesn’t concern me, then I can stay. <Mycroft grabs the back of John’s chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes the door.>
SHERLOCK: So, what’s on your tiny little mind?
SHERLOCK: Janine? What about Janine?
MYCROFT: I love her, Sherlock!
SHERLOCK: You what?
MYCROFT: I love her!
SHERLOCK: Is that so?
MYCROFT: Oh…she’s real. She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.
SHERLOCK: What does that even mean?
MYCROFT: Oh, and that voice!
SHERLOCK: What about her name?
MYCROFT: Janine? Oh, it’s a beautiful name. <Mycroft sits on the sofa.> Janine. Janine. Janine!
SHERLOCK: She does have quite a nice head of hair…
MYCROFT: Oh, it’s incredible. Although, I might replace her velvet scrunchie with one of those tortoise clips. I love those.
SHERLOCK: You do have…specific tastes.
MYCROFT: Oh, I know what I want, Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: She has nice hands.
MYCROFT: Oh, she’s a dreamboat. But, you don’t like her, so…
SHERLOCK: Maybe I could, you’re making some pretty good points.
MYCROFT: No you can’t, Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: But I might.
MYCROFT: Oh, no you don’t.
SHERLOCK: Why not? The voice? The hands? The bacon?
SHERLOCK: I think I can! I even like the name! Janine!
MYCROFT (frantic): Huh?
MYCROFT: Huh-yah! <Mycroft loses it and runs out past John, who is still sitting in the hallway on a chair.>
Scene 11 – Mycroft and Anderson in Anderson’s flat.
MYCROFT: So now Sherlock wants her more than ever!
MYCROFT: What am I going to do Anderson?
ANDERSON: Don’t despair, my friend. <Anderson walks in front of Mycroft and trips over his feet. Again.> I won’t allow your love to go unrequited. Not like mine.
MYCROFT: What, again with you?
ANDERSON: Sorry. But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures…and moments.
MYCROFT: If only I could say things like that around her.
ANDERSON (getting an idea): Yes…
Scene 12 – Molly and John at Speedy’s Cafe listening to the briefcase tape.
MOLLY: Well, I hear three distinct sounds. A low rumple…followed by a metallic ‘squink’…
WATSON: Yes! Yes, I heard the ‘squink’!
MOLLY: …followed by a mysterious…’glonk.’
WATSON: It’s baffling, isn’t it?
MOLLY: Well, one question does come to mind. Just…simply asking them what happened to the briefcase?
WATSON: They would never tell me, Molly. First of all, they probably think that I killed Mary. Besides, I don’t even think they like me. <Sherlock comes over to the table.>
SHERLOCK: That Janine! I am intrigued by her!
MOLLY: Intrigued? When did that happen?
SHERLOCK: Yesterday. At exactly… Six O’clock.
MOLLY: Well, maybe we should double. I’m pretty ‘intrigued’ myself.
SHERLOCK: You just met that man yesterday.
MOLLY: Yep, but we have a common goal.
SHERLOCK: A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?
MOLLY (happily): Yes.
WATSON: And you really believe this chap doesn’t want to have kids.
MOLLY: Yes, of course.
SHERLOCK: Molly, a man will easily say anything to get a woman.
MOLLY: Oh, please. He wouldn’t say ‘anything’.
WATSON: Molly, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, “Pardon my French.”
SHERLOCK: I once told a woman that I don’t eat cake because it goes right to my thighs.
WATSON: I once told a woman that I really enjoy spending time with my family.
Scene 13 – Mycroft and Anderson in an aisle at the office where Janine works.
ANDERSON: With your looks and my words, we’ll have built the perfect beast. <Mycroft claps him on the shoulder, then goes to the other side of the aisle to talk to Janine.>
JANINE: Oh, hi! Mycroft.
ANDERSON (whispers across from the adjacent cubicle): Hi. How are you?
MYCROFT: Hi. How are you?
JANINE: I’m great.
ANDERSON: I too am well.
MYCROFT: I too am well.
ANDERSON: Do I smell Sainsbury’s Basics?
MYCROFT: Do I smell?
ANDERSON: Sainsbury’s Basics!
MYCROFT: Uh, Sainsbury’s Basics.
JANINE: Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Sainsbury’s Basics, I got a free sample in with my junk mail.
MYCROFT (talks rapidly in an attempt to keep up with Anderson): Well, there really is no junk-mail…well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but…
ANDERSON (frantic): …it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards…
MYCROFT: Anderson! <Reaches around the cubicle wall and pokes him. Anderson falls over.>
MYCROFT: Uh, human. It’s…human to be moved by a fragrance.
JANINE: That’s so true.
MYCROFT: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened…
MYCROFT: …shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell…just before the other shoe…fell.
JANINE: Mycroft, that is so lovely.
MYCROFT: It’s by an unknown 20th-century poet.
JANINE: Oh, what’s his name?
MYCROFT: Anderson. <On the other side of the cubicle, Anderson preens proudly.>
Scene 14 – Molly and Tom in Molly’s flat.
TOM: Molly, you’ve changed my life.
MOLLY: Oh, Tom…you can go on and on about how you don’t want children…and it sounds, it sounds really very nice, but…the truth is, I don’t know if you mean it or not.
TOM: I got a vasectomy this morning.
MOLLY: Although, I have a hunch you mean it.
Scene 15 – Sherlock talking with Janine at the office.
SHERLOCK: I just came by to tell you – I’m very, very happy about this relationship. Very happy.
JANINE: Oh. Well, that’s um…<clears her throat>…nice. <Sherlock looks suspicious. Janine spins around in her chair and Sherlock notices her velvet scrunchie has been replaced with a tortoise clip.>
SHERLOCK’s brain: A tortoise clip!
Scene 16 – Sherlock approaching his flat door. He meets Anderson coming out of Mycroft’s place.
SHERLOCK: Hello, Anderson.
ANDERSON: Hello, Sherlock. How’s Janine?
SHERLOCK: Janine? What do you care? <Anderson shrugs. Sherlock notices he’s carrying a Huron Tower Shop office bag.>
ANDERSON: Well, ta-ta! <Scampers away.>
SHERLOCK: Wait a minute! <A manic chase scene ensues, with Sherlock chasing Anderson from one end of the building to the other. Sherlock finally catches up with him in the hallway on another floor.>
SHERLOCK: Alright, Anderson! This is it! <Shoves him against the wall.>
ANDERSON (sweating): Easy, Sherlock. Steady. You wouldn’t want to lose your cool at a time like this.
SHERLOCK: Why not?
ANDERSON: Because right now, I’m the only chance you’ve got. <Anderson giggles nervously. Sherlock makes Anderson flinch, and his giggling is choked off.>
SHERLOCK (squints his eyes): This way. <They exit.>
Scene 17 – Sherlock and Anderson in Anderson’s flat.
SHERLOCK: I can’t believe I’m losing Janine!
ANDERSON: I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.
SHERLOCK: I thought we were talking about me.
SHERLOCK: Anyway, I don’t need your help. <Turns to leave.>
ANDERSON: Oh, don’t you? Mystery boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused Sherlockian rabble that lap up your inane “observations”?
SHERLOCK: Alright, Anderson. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Mycroft?
ANDERSON: Well, there is a little something you can do for me…
SHERLOCK: Come, out with it.
ANDERSON: It’s about…Molly.
SHERLOCK: Molly? What does she have to – <notices Anderson looking up at him longlingly.> Oh no…
ANDERSON: You’ve studied her…You know her…You’ve teased her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!
SHERLOCK (shrugs): Well, I know she doesn’t want to have children. <Anderson considers the implications of this.>
Scene 18 – Cut back to Molly and Tom at Molly’s flat.
TOM: I thought you’d be a little more enthusiastic about it.
MOLLY: I know, I don’t want…<clears her throat>…children.
TOM: What was that?
MOLLY: Well, Tom, maybe I have a little doubt. I mean, nothing is one-hundred percent.
TOM: This is! Oh boy, I always do this.
TOM: Oh, I get all jazzed up about something and I go way too far with it.
TOM: Oh, yeah. Like last summer. I’m watching the telly and I saw one of those jet-skis. £4000 later and it’s sitting in my car park.
MOLLY: You know, that’s strange, actually, because I’m sort of the same way. I mean once, for no reason, I permed my hair and I had all these curls hanging in my face all the time…
TOM: Sometimes I think I do want children. Maybe a whole lot of children!
MOLLY: Sometimes I think about wearing my hair very short.
TOM: Yes! I think I like short hair. Very short.
Scene 19 – Sherlock and John in their kitchen. John has brought over a model of the conference room at the Foundation.
WATSON: This is a crude mock-up of the conference room. 1/14th scale.
SHERLOCK: When did you build this atrocity?
WATSON: Yesterday, took the day off. <Picks up a Doctor Strange action figure from the model and pretends it’s him.> Now, from the time I left the room…
SHERLOCK (points at the Doctor Strange figure): Wait, that’s you?
SHERLOCK (picks up a Everett Ross figurine from the model): I really think the Everett Ross figurine should be you.
WATSON (hastily grabs the Everett Ross figurine away from Sherlock): Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused the damage…<drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model>…was jarring enough to completely stop the tape.
WATSON: That’s what we know.
SHERLOCK: We already knew that John.
WATSON: Well, yeah.
SHERLOCK: Just give me some valid idea of what you think it could be.
WATSON: I don’t know if you’re ready for it.
WATSON: I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never –
SHERLOCK: Correct; I’m not ready for this. <The door buzzer sounds, Sherlock answers it.> Yes?
VOICE ON SPEAKER: It’s Janine.
SHERLOCK: Come up. <To John> Alright, it’s Janine, you must go.
WATSON: I’m not done here, Sherlock. <Picks up the model of the conference room.> I’m going to keep investigating. This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks. <Janine enters, John leaves.>
JANINE: What was that?
SHERLOCK: We were just, oh…
JANINE: Listen, I had a long talk with Mycroft today…
SHERLOCK: Ah, you did?
JANINE: Well, the thing is, I um…I think I have a little crush on him. <Mycroft slides in the door on one knee.>
MYCROFT: I’m so happy! My world suddenly has meaning!
SHERLOCK (to Janine): This man? This is the man you have a crush on?
JANINE: Well, I have feelings for both of you.
MYCROFT: How can you have feelings for him? We are soul mates.
SHERLOCK: Why can’t I be a soul mate?
MYCROFT: Sherlock, you really think that Janine would want you to be the father of her children?
JANINE: Children? Who said anything about children? I don’t want to have children.
<Sherlock and Mycroft look at each other, puzzled.>
Scene 20 – John back at the conference room at the Foundation.
WATSON: There are some people in this room who would have been very happy to never see this briefcase again. There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people’s property and get away with it. Well, let me tell you something about those people. They weren’t counting on this brain! And – this tape recorder.
WATSON: You’ll have your turn! The truth must be heard. <Plays back the tape.> That is all there is. And yet, it speaks volumes. A low rumple. A metallic ‘squink.’ A ‘glonk.’ Someone crying out…”Dear God!” Let’s start with, …with you, Lestrade.
LESTRADE: John, Jeff here was moving a chair…he lost his balance and knocked it over…it must have fallen on your briefcase, which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder?
WATSON: Alright, then. We’ve gotten to the bottom of that.
Scene 21 – Sherlock and Anderson in the office of Dr. Robert Frankland – urologist. Molly and Tom enter. Molly has cut her hair short.
MOLLY: Well, what are you fellows doing here?
SHERLOCK: Getting vasectomies.
ANDERSON (to Molly): I’m doing it for you.
SHERLOCK (to Molly): What have you done to your hair?
MOLLY: I cut it.
SHERLOCK: It’s a bit short.
SHERLOCK (to Tom): What are you doing here?
MOLLY: Tom’s having his vasectomy reversed.
SHERLOCK and ANDERSON: Reversed?! <Mycroft comes hobbling out of the doctors’ office in pain, after having a vasectomy of his own, and exits. Sherlock and Anderson look at each other, and bolt for the door themselves.>
Final scene – John reading the poem for Mary at the Foundation.
WATSON: …he imbibed her glistening spell…just before the other shoe…fell.
LESTRADE: Is that a Keats poem?
WATSON: No, it’s an Anderson. Well, I have to run. <Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.>
LESTRADE: Does anyone think John might have murdered Mary?
JEFFERSON HOPE: Oh, yes. I just assumed he murdered her.
SARAH SAWYER: Of course he killed her.
LESTRADE: So it’s not just me, then. Alright! Back to business.
End of episode.